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The Guard Dog Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW U don't let them sit in your lap while you watch "rescue 911" -- unless you want to be on it. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] stay tuned for tips on appliance repair, and bill and I, unfortunately, went out skeet shooting and had a little accident. Oh, boy. Harold was very upset to hear about that. And edgar montrose is here to show us some of the delicacies of working with dynamite. And now here's the big kahuna of possum lodge, the reason god created the word "apologize"... [ chuckles ] ...My uncle -- red green! Give it up! Red: Thank you. And here's the main reason I have to apologize -- my nephew, harold. [ keyboard clacking ] apology accepted. [ giggles ] bit of a major crime spree over at buster hadfield's house this week. All of his lawn ornaments were stolen. All of them -- the fat lady bent over, snow white and the seven pink flamingoes, the goat, the cow, and bambi with the ear shot off?! Yep, and the oversized mushrooms, and the fiberglass fluorescent santa claus, and the motorized sheep, and even the big united way thermometer. Wow -- mary and her little plywood lamb, the neon james dean, the entire cast of "the wizard of oz"? Yep, but all the stuff up on the walls of the house, too, harold -- the butterflies, the Halloween pumpkins, and that nativity scene with the three wise smurfs. Wow! Whew! So, what's buster gonna do now? Well, he's gonna need a new lawn, for starters. He's got nothing but holes there now. He ought to turn it into a miniature-golf course. That's what people already thought it was. No, harold. He's gonna rent a guard dog. That's the man's way -- revenge first, solutions later. They're getting one of them doberman pinschers. You know, the kind that "pinsch" a burglar right in the doberman. [ groans ] aah, ohh, I don't like that idea. Oh, they scare me, those dogs. They got big, ferocious teeth and little short hair, and they look weird as anything. [ chuckles, snarls ] people in glass houses, harold. [ drumsticks tapping, guitar plays ] ♪ oh, I often can guess how long they've been wed ♪ ♪ by the volume at which they yell ♪ ♪ the argument noise level goes up every year ♪ ♪ after 10 years, you really can tell ♪ ♪ he grunts and complains and starts to fight ♪ ♪ he bellows and roars like a bear ♪ ♪ and likely as not, she'll sneak up in the night ♪ ♪ to go have a quiet affair ♪ this week on "meet your member," we're gonna find out a little bit more about explosive expert edgar k.B. Montrose. [ coughs ] well, uh... Well, red, if we're gonna meet our members, and it sounded like we were... Well, I just wanted to say that I'm not really an explosive expert. I just watch a lot of "road runner" cartoons. All right, then maybe we'll talk a little bit more personally, you know -- your growing up, your family life, that type of thing. Oh, sure, red. Okay. Well, uh, I was born in saskatchewan, up near, uh, assiniboia. I didn't really fit in with those narrow-minded nitpickers. They're always saying things like, "shouldn't you have a license to handle explosives?" or, "shouldn't you be using a longer wick?" or -- or "where did the schoolhouse go?" you know, that sort of thing. You know, that's the secret, red -- knowing where to place your charges. Well, I'm not great at paying my bills, but I would definitely not stiff the guy with the dynamite. Yeah, yeah. Like you said, I got fed up. So, uh... I left civilian life, and I, uh -- I joined the military. But, uh, that only lasted three weeks. Dishonorable discharge? Discharge? I'll say so. You could hear it and see it for 20 miles and all the way around. Blew up the officers' mess. Turns out they were just thinking about building a new one. Well, you know, edgar, it sounds to me like you have trouble making friendships and relationships last any length of time. Well, yeah, red. I-I don't really have any friends, and, uh, I've yet to meet the kind of woman who enjoys sitting on the back porch on a Saturday night while I blow a full-grown douglas fir right clean across the lake. [ ducks quacking ] you know, with buster hadfield being robbed and all, I thought I would take this week's "handyman corner" and show you how you can make your very own home-security system using common household appliances. I'm guessing you probably don't have an infrared motion sensor and a silent alarm sitting there in your sock drawer, but I bet a bunch of youse have, say, a toaster and possibly even, uh, one of these dart-board units. And you can combine these things to make a, uh, foot-activated, uh, antitheft pain device. [ buzzing ] burglar steps on this... [ ricochet! ] ...He's toast. The only problem is, uh, bernice and I are such heavy sleepers that a burglar's gonna have to come, actually, right up into the bedroom and take our pillowcases or our pajamas or our sheets or some of those devices that bernice keeps in the end table before we'll ever notice that he's there. So, I'm gonna show you how to make an antitheft alarm device that will be triggered anytime a burglar jimmies open a door or even a window. But to do that, you're gonna need some of the larger household appliances... A stove, a fridge, and a television set. All right, first of all, from the stove, we need this -- the buzzer from the cake timer. Now, that's not loud enough yet to scare a burglar, but it will be once we hook it up to the speaker from the television set. And from the refrigerator, we need this -- the pressure-sensitive light switch that activates the light. All right, now you want to remove each of those things from each of the three appliances. All right, uh, getting these parts out is gonna take a little longer than I thought. So why don't you get back to the show, and I'll just kind of get them out of here? Stay tuned as bill and I go... Skeet shooting. Hmm. And ranger gord pretends to be in better shape than I'm in. Last week, my wife found some pictures of me when I was a teenager. Yes, they had photography back then. Should have seen the way I dressed, the way I combed my hair, and my shoes -- pretty scary stuff. Didn't look nearly as sharp as I do now. But you know what made me feel better was thinking about the teenagers of today and how they're gonna be humiliated looking back at how they looked 15 or 20 years down the road. I mean, imagine some future vice president of ibm passing around pictures of himself with a purple mohawk, cutlery for earrings, a dragon tattooed on his exposed stomach, and jeans so baggy in the crotch you got room for a family of groundhogs. So, if you got a kid at home that looks like an extra from "road warrior," take lots of pictures of him now. Then when he wises up and gets respectable, you can sell them back to him, one picture at a time. Sure beats saving your own money for retirement, doesn't it? Well, we've had a couple of problems with buster's guard dog, brutus. You know, maybe he shouldn't have rented the most ferocious dog in the kennel. The attack dog got away? Brutus is on the loose?! Uncle red, they can smell fear. Now, don't worry, harold. Brutus is free to go anywhere he wants, but for some reason, he's just staying there, patrolling buster's front lawn. [ chuckles ] well, buster won't be getting any mail. Or any visitors. Yeah, that's the upside. The downside being that buster is actually trapped in his own house. [ chuckles ] trapped? Oh, no. Imagine the irony -- hiring an animal to protect your interests and then he turns on you. [ chuckles ] yeah, I can imagine that, mr. Producer/director. Well, what are you guys gonna do? Well, we've come up with a plan that we call "cowering indoors." other than that, we're gonna run back and forth between our vehicles, throwing wienies over our shoulders to distract brutus. Well, there is a lesson to be learned here, uncle red. Buster should have phoned the police as soon as his lawn ornaments were stolen. But, instead, he chose the route of revenge. And now, like a prisoner, he is trapped in his own home. Wa-a-a! I hope you are learning from his mistake. Yes, we are, harold. We're all gonna get guard dogs 'cause that guard dog's on the loose, and our guard dogs will protect us from that guard dog. Everyone at possum lake is getting a guard dog? Yes, sir. Not everybody's getting a doberman, though. Stinky's got a cougar on his front lawn. A live cougar?! Well, it runs. It's a '74. Got the plywood spoiler on there...The moon rims. He painted her up like a rainbow trout. Okay, yeah. That is scary. Hey, nobody's ever stolen anything from stinky. No. Too easy to trace. [ duck quacking ] [ metal clanking ] [ thud ] nope. Rolling, there, harold? All right, we're up here at fire tower 13 with ranger gord, who's gonna tell us all about outdoor security. Thank, red. Let me show you my security system. Now, I don't actually have electricity for an alarm, and I used to have a guard dog, but he, uh...Couldn't take the loneliness. So, you have no security system at all, gord? Well, that's not entirely true, red. You see, I live in this 100-foot tower atop a 200-foot hill. Now, I-I don't know much about the criminal mind, of course, but the, uh, criminal body tends not to be in the best physical condition. So, the fact is, red, that not a lot of criminals can make it to the top of my tower to steal my stuff. Plus, you don't have all that much stuff that's worth stealing, do you gord? Oh, that's not entirely true, either, red. You see, I've got all sorts of things up here. In fact, well, there's my grandmother's silverware set right over by your foot, harold. Be careful. Be careful. Harold, be careful! [ whistle! ] n-o-o-o-o! [ metal clangs ] was that the camera? No, that's next. [ chain saw buzzing ] nope. Something a little more sophisticated this week on "adventures with bill" -- some skeet shooting, you know, with the merkels, too. And I was a little late arriving 'cause I didn't have anything to wear. Bill had apparently started without me. And he follows the skeet -- there. There it is, there. Now, bill, bill, bill, bill, bill... Thank you, bill. Yeah, yeah, you got it. You should be darn proud of yourself. Anyway, this is kind of a neat little rig, kind of a skeet thrower. And I wasn't -- oh, sorry. Yeah. All right. Don't worry -- don't worry about that. Okay, so, what it does is he mounts the little, uh, clay -- clay skeets -- "clay skeets," good name for a country/western singer. He mounts them into the skeet thrower, and then the idea is that there's apparently a trigger thing, which I had never -- oh. Oh...I see how that works. You all right, there, bill? I remember bill as being taller. But I can get the skeet. [ gunshot ] that's 100 points, I believe. All right, now, I was gonna take a chance at this myself. I'd never done any skeet shooting, but I really felt that garbage can was kind of -- that he wouldn't be able to pull back and he was gonna walk into that when he -- but unfortunately, he had just anchored her on the one side, which, so, as he's moving, he's kind of changing -- [ clank! ] I don't remember what happened over the next few minutes. I don't know why that is. [ groans ] and then, uh, suddenly, you know -- all of a sudden, I was kind of aware that, uh, I was skeet shooting with bill. What happened there? All right, well, he must have blanked out there. All right, so, we're gonna give her another try, here. So he sets it up, and I'm just waiting to shoot, and I just -- I don't want to take my eye off, but apparently, he's forgotten to cock the, uh, skeet thrower. And there he goes. There he goes. So, and then he noticed his shoelace was undone, which is always dangerous, kids, for you kids out there. Never go out into the woods with a skeet shooter and a loaded rifle with your shoelaces un-- whoops! Then I blanked out again. Well...Funny how that happens. Maybe I'm getting older. [ gunshot ] hmm. No, I missed him. All right, we're all set. There we go. I'm a little fed up now, and I'm starting to realize the best future for me and skeet shooting is right here. [ gunshot ] there we go. Dead. See you later, bill. There's your gun back. Oh, and here's your skeet. [ clunk! ] coming up, we're gonna visit dalton's store/landfill site, and harold decides to face the guard dog like a man. Well, as so often happens up here at the lodge, this guard-dog thing has gotten into a bit of a competition. Flinty mcclintock got himself a german shepherd -- east german, I think. Artie kaye went with the great dane. Old man sedgwick got a chihuahua, but he's got her on steroids. And, uh, now, junior singleton went the other way. He got himself a cat. You know, actually, that's not so unusual. The chinese used to use siamese cats to protect their palaces. Yeah, well, this is a mountain lion, harold. Yeah, it escaped from the lion safari early, so that's what junior's gonna tell them when they notice it's missing. Hey, you guys better be careful with an animal like that. They're not used to seeing people, you know, unless they're in cars, you know, snapping pictures and trying to sneak snack food out little cracks of windows. Well, I wouldn't worry, harold. I'm sure if the mountain lion is upset in any way, he'll let us know. So, now moose is looking to rent a bear, and stinky's gonna try and bring an alligator in. I just think the competition is so childish. That's because you always lose. So, I'm thinking of going high-tech with mine. I'm gonna build myself a radio-controlled electronic dog. Oh, boy. A robo-rottweiler. Yep. I've already got the radio controller right here. What frequency is that on? 107.3. Hey, that's the same as my video-effects machine. [ keyboard clacking ] that didn't look so hard. [ knob clicking ] hey, hey, hey, hey, get out of my house, buddy. You want competition, I'll give you competition. [ duck quacking ] all right, I, uh -- I finally got the components out of the, uh, three appliances. It would have been a lot easier if somebody hadn't stolen my screwdriver. Anyway, now I can show you how to assemble these three things into your very own home-security system. All right, now, I'm just using this chest and the lid of it as kind of an example of how you'd rig up a door. I got the pressure-sensitive switch from the fridge, down here, hooked into where the door closes. And that wiring goes up through the, uh, stove buzzer, which is now wired into our television, uh, speaker. So, when a burglar comes in, say, a door or a window -- whatever you got rigged like this -- all of a sudden -- [ alarm blaring ] whoa! You're gonna hear that! That'll wake up the dead, that one, and then you call 911 or sic your dog on there or go down there and start throwing baseball bats at the guy -- whatever you want to do. And that way, you get to protect your jewels... Or your -- I guess that's a fridge and a stove, a television set -- whatever. So, remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ blaring continues ] man! [ blaring stops ] it's "male call." [ bell rings ] [ chuckles ] no question too big, no answer too small. [ chuckles ] our first letter is from brinkman hoffner, and it's from, uh, oh, acme, missouri. Oh, look, he's made us some artwork. Isn't that nice? Look at that. "mission: In possumville." [ both laugh ] I don't get that. Well, harold, you know, you have "mission: Impossible." uh-huh. "mission: In possumville." oh! [ laughs ] whoo! You still don't get it, do you, harold? Nope. Not really. Look, here's another one. Okay, this is from kim from flat rock, michigan. She writes, "dear red, how old are you?" oh, boy. That's a tough one, kim, uh, because we tape the show three days before it goes on the air so that we have time to go home and figure out how the vcrs work. So, if I said I was 44 and then my birthday was tomorrow, then that would go on the air saying I was 44, but I'd be 45 by then. And, uh, then if you didn't see that show, it would be six months later for the rerun. And then, I'd be six months off on the age thing. And then, of course, if it -- if it got into a lot reruns -- some of these shows goes on for years. They just stay there forever like a bad smell. What do you call that, harold? Syndication. Yeah, syndication. You know, but, of course, that's where the big bucks are, really, you know. I hope our show goes into syndication. Yeah, yeah. What we need's, like, a much better show, then... I think we're close to having a much better one. Better believe it. So, I think the safest answer, kim, there, is that, uh, when you see this show, I'm 10 years, 6 months, and 3 days younger than I look right now. So, you're in your early 60s, then? Thank you, harold. Ooh, "mission: In possumville"! [ laughs ] you still don't get it, do you, harold? Not a thing. We're out here by the main highway at humphries everything store to learn a little bit more about antiques, collectibles, and curios from store owner dalton humphries. Now, dalton, what is the difference between antique, collectible, a curio, or just a piece of kitschy crapola? About $500 profit for me. [ laughs ] let's have a look. [ laughs ] now, this radio is a classic addison, circa 1930. And at auction, this would fetch $2,500. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, yeah. How much would it get if it wasn't all baffed up like that? $200. You see, what you call "baffed up" is what a customer calls "character." oh, I see. You see, before a guy plops down $2,500, he wants to know a little bit about the radio. So, I would point out to him the beautiful green of this tortoiseshell case, the classic three-tube electronics inside, the lovely dial here, which is extremely rare, and enameled-on copper, the bakelike knobs, which are inlaid with mother of pearl -- very rare and very good quality -- and these pseudo-ceramic bars, which were handcrafted by a ceramicist by the name of john reynolds. All in all, an incredible piece of history. Wow! You made that whole thing up, didn't you? Every last word, red. [ both laugh ] quite a performance. Yeah, well, I'd say it was worth $2,500. How about this radio right here I kind of got my eye on? Describe that one there for us. It's junk. Yeah. Oh? It's not old, it works, and it's not ugly. 2 bucks, tops. Sold. I'll break this open and use the parts for my radio-controlled guard dog. Yeah, well, can I have the broken case pieces, please? It'll be all smashed up. Exactly. Could be worth quite a bit. "looking for shoes at a bargain price? "why not come by "stinky peterson's roadside shoe roundup? "we have one-of-a-kind shoes, all singles, "all found along the side of the road... "...Lefts and rights, no pairs, single oxfords, single boots, "even a single pair of large, furry slippers, which may actually be a dead raccoon, I'm not sure." well, god bless the entrepreneurial spirit of the small-business man. [ chuckles ] [ metal creaks ] well, we got that, uh, guard-dog doberman pinscher, brutus, there, kind of settled down, but, boy -- thanks to my, uh -- my remote-controlled robo-dog, as a matter of fact. Strangest thing, though. I turned the thing on, and it just goes nuts -- goes right after my leg, there, runs around spraying machine oil on all the fire hydrants. And then it scared away the dog. It ran off. We were all okay, but the strangest thing was I have no idea why that happened. Why would it go ballistic? I didn't even have the radio controller turned on. That's the strangest thing. [ alarm blaring ] I understand that you solved the robbery of the lawn ornaments. Why don't you tell me all about that? Yeah, I did. Harold, were you working on that thing about 20 minutes ago? [ chuckles nervously ] no, uh, I was -- you should tell me about how you solved that big robbery because -- and tell them because they want to know -- they're watching. You better tell them. All right, well, it turns out -- [ alarm blares ] it turns out buster hadfield's wife had donated all of the ornaments to the st. Vincent de paul bunyan center for kindling. I guess she didn't like the lawn decor as much as buster did, huh? Well, he got the last laugh, harold, because all the time he was trapped in the house, he built a huge guard-dog lawn ornament. 9 feet long, green and orange with neon eyes, motorized tail. And he put a car alarm in it so nobody can steal it. Well, I don't think that will be a problem. [ growling ] what's that? Oh, I forgot to tell you -- I got a guard dog for the lodge. Aah, really? Why? Yeah, I'll bring him in. You stand back. Oh, n-no! No, it's all right. All right. All right. Dog. Dog. Killer. Killer. Killer? Good name. Killer, come on, boy. Down, boy. Down, boy. Easy, boy. Come here. There we go. There we are. There we are. That's a guard dog? Don't make a false move, harold. He can go at the drop of a hat. [ screeching ] oh, that's the cry of the possum. I guess...I'm going. Yeah, you go ahead. I'm gonna try and settle killer down before I come down. Okay. Easy, boy. Easy, easy. If my wife is watching, uh, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I was kind of hoping we could turn killer here into a hunting dog. The theory being that we get the moose laughing, then it's all over. Or maybe we could make him a pet. And to the rest of you, thanks so much for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, until next time, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] okay. All rise. Oh, sorry. You are. All right. Okay. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Sit down, I guess. When did this happen? This is, uh... Red: If you'd like to become a member of possum lodge and you got 3 bucks to blow, you can either mail it to the address here on the screen or dial 1-800-ypossum.